here is the thing

it's getting better. every day. and sometimes, I'm even able to lift my head up and look forward at more than just the next breath, the next step, the next bite. it's not easy, but it's getting easier. and that overwhelming sense of vertigo that swirls around me like everything is going to implode into soft ash can be swallowed back. most of the time.

and I can make it through most of the days now, with a smile that looks genuine enough not to crack the corners of my face into a shattering of crumbles and tears. and sometimes it even feels genuine. and sometimes it actually is.

so I made it. I'm hoping. and I know it's not the end. because all I've done is crawl out of a dark hole enough to see that there's a huge mountain climb ahead of me. and if I actually look at what I've got to do, I know I'll never make it. I won't even be able to try.

but I'm going to put my right foot forward and then follow it with my left, and then the right again, and then the left. and sometimes, I know it'll be on my hands and knees. or on my belly inching forward. but as long as I do something, some day, I'll be able to look up and see that it's all over. I'm hoping.

I also know that it's uncertain. and that tomorrow morning I might wake up, unable to call up the energy to open up an eye, much less both, to face the day. and that every particle of myself will have to concentrate on not evaporating, holding on for yet another moment longer.

so for today, I'm here. and I fully expect it to hold out tomorrow too.

see you then.