the chiikster has just pointed out to me that def leppard and poison and cheap trick are on tour. hold on while I grab the railing and gasp a bit.
on Sept. 5, I could either be at the Las Vegas MGM, having put away a 19.99 buffet of steak and cheesecake and $25 worth of $5 martini drink vouchers...OR at m & j's wedding, watching two people I love stand in front of each other and vow to love each other for ever and ever blah blah blah, while the all of sit around and surreptitiously look at our watches wondering when someone in a white coat will start coming around with trays of meat sticks and alcohol.
aarrgh, my brain is tearing itself apart.
def leppard! poison! cheap trick!!! I need to lie down.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
family reunion
a couple of days ago, I went to visit my cousin. or rather, my cousin's kids (my cousin and his wife were out and left the kids with his visiting mother).
the first thing I notice is that the boy, age 9, is large. way larger than he's meant to be. I guess it's not that surprising, given that his mother has always seemed inexplicably afraid of her children not eating enough. so much so that she never takes a 10-minute car trip without packing them with chips and candy. from the time they were babies, she's insisted they eat adult-sized portions. and it looks like it's finally catching up to the (not so) littler one.
the next thing I see are the green streaks in the 11-year old's hair. when I comment, she tells me how her mother highlighted her hair blue but it faded really quickly and left her with moss-colored strands she's always fidgeting with. she's wearing shorts so short that the pockets are hanging out the bottom, and a rhinestone-studded belly top that she's proud of having picked out herself. she likes to show off, "her style", she says, anachronistically topping it off with a minnie-mouse hair bow perched atop her crown.
the boy has eyelashes so long they look like inkstains around his eyes. I have him close his eyes so I can imagine they were mine. the girl notes the stubbiness of her own lashes, and I tell her I know how she feels. she tells me how her mother makes her put on special eyelash-growth serum every night, and that she hates it. but she wants her eyelashes to grow so that she can have "pretty eyes". it comes out later that her mother is contemplating plastic surgery for her now, so that her features will set "correctly" before she gets too old.
the boy, on the other hand, who is blessed with abnormally good looks, has self-selected himself as an idiot. "I'm stupid", he whines in a baby voice, and tries to burrow up into my side. I suppose this could've been construed as cute when he was half this age, but now at 9, and a good 35 pounds overweight, it's actually very alarming. however, given that the last time I saw him, 7 months ago, he refused to get up off the floor and would only eat from your hand, begging you to "order" him "around like a puppy", I guess this is an improvement.
the first thing I notice is that the boy, age 9, is large. way larger than he's meant to be. I guess it's not that surprising, given that his mother has always seemed inexplicably afraid of her children not eating enough. so much so that she never takes a 10-minute car trip without packing them with chips and candy. from the time they were babies, she's insisted they eat adult-sized portions. and it looks like it's finally catching up to the (not so) littler one.
the next thing I see are the green streaks in the 11-year old's hair. when I comment, she tells me how her mother highlighted her hair blue but it faded really quickly and left her with moss-colored strands she's always fidgeting with. she's wearing shorts so short that the pockets are hanging out the bottom, and a rhinestone-studded belly top that she's proud of having picked out herself. she likes to show off, "her style", she says, anachronistically topping it off with a minnie-mouse hair bow perched atop her crown.
the boy has eyelashes so long they look like inkstains around his eyes. I have him close his eyes so I can imagine they were mine. the girl notes the stubbiness of her own lashes, and I tell her I know how she feels. she tells me how her mother makes her put on special eyelash-growth serum every night, and that she hates it. but she wants her eyelashes to grow so that she can have "pretty eyes". it comes out later that her mother is contemplating plastic surgery for her now, so that her features will set "correctly" before she gets too old.
the boy, on the other hand, who is blessed with abnormally good looks, has self-selected himself as an idiot. "I'm stupid", he whines in a baby voice, and tries to burrow up into my side. I suppose this could've been construed as cute when he was half this age, but now at 9, and a good 35 pounds overweight, it's actually very alarming. however, given that the last time I saw him, 7 months ago, he refused to get up off the floor and would only eat from your hand, begging you to "order" him "around like a puppy", I guess this is an improvement.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
onion rings for the pig-a-lings
the meal in the lower left is mine: pulled pork sandwich and a large order of onion rings (I ate half of them as the other meals were coming out). blob in the upper left had just a pork sandwich, and bleep in the lower right fries, beans & a burger. blowie in the upper right, has a scoop of cole slaw and some fries. she ate 2 of them. I counted.
look, the food was great. the guy who runs the place keeps the smoker going all the time, and so the meats are always melty shreds of barbecue. and the onion rings were perfect--dry and crunchy with thick onion slices practically steamed sweet.
it's hard to feel girly, though, with people always commenting on how much food you eat. "if anyone can put it away, it's *s!" how do they do it? those girls who eat 2 fries and a couple of shreds of cabbage and then sigh, "I'm stuffed!" until their next meal, hours later?
oinck.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
fear and longing
lately I find myself, panicked at the thought that there isn't enough time. not enough time to do everything I'd thought I'd do. not enough time for everything I haven't thought of doing yet. not enough time to fix the things I left undone.
what is this sense, that the universe is slowly escaping me? every breath stolen from between my lips, each second being swept away from under my feet. the world seems unstable, and I with it. unsure of each move, uncertain of each step. everything seems a gamble, borrowed from a bank of time lost.
I'm afraid.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
spoiler alert
I saw The Orphan this weekend, and I need to talk to you about it.
Now, I'm going to talk about what happens in the film, so if you can't handle the truth, I'd advise you to look away now. Yes, spoilers will be given. But don't worry, I won't ruin the film for you. Mr. Collet-Serra already did that.
So, let's talk about what makes this one of the most preposterous sequence of events shown in cinema ever. I'm just going to give you a synopsis of the plot movements:
1. Mom had a stillbirth a couple of years ago, fell into a deep depression-fueled alcoholism, almost lost her toddler daughter because of an alcoholic bender, did lose her job, almost lost her husband, but pulled herself together and hasn't had a drink in a year.
2. Barely a year sober, and with the discovery of her husband's adultery still a fresh emotional wound, Mom decides adopting a child is what she needs to fill the void left by the stillbirth, which is memorialized in a huge rosebush and plaque in the backyard.
3. Mom and Dad go to an orphanage, look around at all the kids, and settle on the one child who is not attending the party and who is not liked by the others, assuring her that "it's okay to be different."
4. Three weeks later, they have an 9-year old daughter to add to their other two children--yes, they also have a 5ish-year old girl and an 11ish-year old boy, who is very clear that he is unhappy about this sudden new addition to his already unstable family.
5. Need I mention that the adopted orphan has a subtle russian accent that steadily grows stronger, throws a fit if someone asks her to remove the wide velvet ribbons she wears on her neck and wrists, only wears old-fashioned taffeta party dresses, has a leather-bound bible filled with pictures of middle-aged men, and spends much of her time painting lovely pictures of houses and scenes that glow with demons and torture under a blacklight?
6. Mom thinks there's something wrong with her, especially as kids who cross her have a way of winding up with broken bones, but Dad chooses to side with the adopted girl they know nothing about. The kids aren't too fond of her, but are afraid to speak up, especially as she threatens to kill one of them and castrate the other.
7. Anyways, she smashes a bird, bludgeons a nun, chops up the memorial rosebush the Mom is obsessed with, breaks her own arm with a vise and blames the mom, sets fire to the treehouse with the boy in it forcing him into a coma, and then unplugs his respirator and smothers him with a pillow.
8. You'd think someone would catch on at this point, but they're all against Mom now, even her therapist, who wants her to go into rehab and out of the house. She refuses but ends up sedated in the hospital while Dad takes the two girls home and starts to drink.
9. You'd think he was the alcoholic because while he's drinking himself into oblivion, Orphan cuts up one of Mom's dresses, paints herself up like a hooker and then offers herself up to "John", previously known as Dad.
10. Dad pushes 9-year old off, saying "you're just a little girl", which sets of crazy-sparks in the Orphans eyes, and she spends a long time staring into the mirror with crazy eyes. The kind rimmed with melting eyeliner and mascara.
11. Meanwhile, Mom in the hospital receives a phone call from the Estonian "orphanage" that is revealed to be a MENTAL INSTITUTION, not an orphanage, and for God's sake, if the Orphan is in the house, get out now because she is dangerous! Not just kind of dangerous, but really dangerous because she's not a 9-year old girl, she is a 33-year old woman with a hormone deficiency and psychopathic tendencies, preying on the fathers of families she is adopted into and then killing everyone in the house when she is rejected.
12. Mom tears out of the hospital bed and into a car speeding as fast as she can on icy roads in pitch black with a phone she keeps dropping as she tries to call the house repeatedly where the husband she is trying to reach is being stabbed a million times by the Orphan who then grabs the revolver and goes after the Daughter.
13. Mom arrives just in time to rescue Daughter, getting shot a couple of times in the arm, but ultimately dodging the rest of the 8 bullets that came out of the gun.
14. The fight ends up on the frozen lake outside their house where one of the bullets creates a hole into which both Mom and Orphan fall.
15. After a fierce struggle, Mom climbs out.
16. Just as she's almost safe, a thin white Russian orphan arm shoots out of the hole in the ice and grabs Mom's leg.
17. Mom looks back and sees the Orphan's sad eyes, crying as she begs, "Mommy, please don't let me die!"
18. To which Mom replies, "I'm not your fucking Mommy!" and kicks the Orphan in the face.
I just wanted to get it out of my system. Thanks for listening.
Now, I'm going to talk about what happens in the film, so if you can't handle the truth, I'd advise you to look away now. Yes, spoilers will be given. But don't worry, I won't ruin the film for you. Mr. Collet-Serra already did that.
So, let's talk about what makes this one of the most preposterous sequence of events shown in cinema ever. I'm just going to give you a synopsis of the plot movements:
1. Mom had a stillbirth a couple of years ago, fell into a deep depression-fueled alcoholism, almost lost her toddler daughter because of an alcoholic bender, did lose her job, almost lost her husband, but pulled herself together and hasn't had a drink in a year.
2. Barely a year sober, and with the discovery of her husband's adultery still a fresh emotional wound, Mom decides adopting a child is what she needs to fill the void left by the stillbirth, which is memorialized in a huge rosebush and plaque in the backyard.
3. Mom and Dad go to an orphanage, look around at all the kids, and settle on the one child who is not attending the party and who is not liked by the others, assuring her that "it's okay to be different."
4. Three weeks later, they have an 9-year old daughter to add to their other two children--yes, they also have a 5ish-year old girl and an 11ish-year old boy, who is very clear that he is unhappy about this sudden new addition to his already unstable family.
5. Need I mention that the adopted orphan has a subtle russian accent that steadily grows stronger, throws a fit if someone asks her to remove the wide velvet ribbons she wears on her neck and wrists, only wears old-fashioned taffeta party dresses, has a leather-bound bible filled with pictures of middle-aged men, and spends much of her time painting lovely pictures of houses and scenes that glow with demons and torture under a blacklight?
6. Mom thinks there's something wrong with her, especially as kids who cross her have a way of winding up with broken bones, but Dad chooses to side with the adopted girl they know nothing about. The kids aren't too fond of her, but are afraid to speak up, especially as she threatens to kill one of them and castrate the other.
7. Anyways, she smashes a bird, bludgeons a nun, chops up the memorial rosebush the Mom is obsessed with, breaks her own arm with a vise and blames the mom, sets fire to the treehouse with the boy in it forcing him into a coma, and then unplugs his respirator and smothers him with a pillow.
8. You'd think someone would catch on at this point, but they're all against Mom now, even her therapist, who wants her to go into rehab and out of the house. She refuses but ends up sedated in the hospital while Dad takes the two girls home and starts to drink.
9. You'd think he was the alcoholic because while he's drinking himself into oblivion, Orphan cuts up one of Mom's dresses, paints herself up like a hooker and then offers herself up to "John", previously known as Dad.
10. Dad pushes 9-year old off, saying "you're just a little girl", which sets of crazy-sparks in the Orphans eyes, and she spends a long time staring into the mirror with crazy eyes. The kind rimmed with melting eyeliner and mascara.
11. Meanwhile, Mom in the hospital receives a phone call from the Estonian "orphanage" that is revealed to be a MENTAL INSTITUTION, not an orphanage, and for God's sake, if the Orphan is in the house, get out now because she is dangerous! Not just kind of dangerous, but really dangerous because she's not a 9-year old girl, she is a 33-year old woman with a hormone deficiency and psychopathic tendencies, preying on the fathers of families she is adopted into and then killing everyone in the house when she is rejected.
12. Mom tears out of the hospital bed and into a car speeding as fast as she can on icy roads in pitch black with a phone she keeps dropping as she tries to call the house repeatedly where the husband she is trying to reach is being stabbed a million times by the Orphan who then grabs the revolver and goes after the Daughter.
13. Mom arrives just in time to rescue Daughter, getting shot a couple of times in the arm, but ultimately dodging the rest of the 8 bullets that came out of the gun.
14. The fight ends up on the frozen lake outside their house where one of the bullets creates a hole into which both Mom and Orphan fall.
15. After a fierce struggle, Mom climbs out.
16. Just as she's almost safe, a thin white Russian orphan arm shoots out of the hole in the ice and grabs Mom's leg.
17. Mom looks back and sees the Orphan's sad eyes, crying as she begs, "Mommy, please don't let me die!"
18. To which Mom replies, "I'm not your fucking Mommy!" and kicks the Orphan in the face.
I just wanted to get it out of my system. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
prognosis...negative
okay, just finished watching the happening.
here is my hypothesis: m. night shyamalan has asperger's.
the wooden, stilted dialogue, that all makes technical sense, but has no actual rhythm or emotional resonance?
every single clue methodically linked to some other turn of events, no matter how small. an obsession to these sorts of ties that actually ruins the flow of the actual progression of story?
masterful glimpses into the character, that are muddled in with such underdeveloped, immature takes on humanity that one has to conclude it was by chance?
obsession with fantasy. lack of interest in human development. technicality overriding nuance every time?
yes, the work of a man on the spectrum.
here is my hypothesis: m. night shyamalan has asperger's.
the wooden, stilted dialogue, that all makes technical sense, but has no actual rhythm or emotional resonance?
every single clue methodically linked to some other turn of events, no matter how small. an obsession to these sorts of ties that actually ruins the flow of the actual progression of story?
masterful glimpses into the character, that are muddled in with such underdeveloped, immature takes on humanity that one has to conclude it was by chance?
obsession with fantasy. lack of interest in human development. technicality overriding nuance every time?
yes, the work of a man on the spectrum.
a memo to m night
dear mr. shyamalan,
I respect, more than respect, the fact that the sixth sense was a modern masterpiece of storytelling.
but seriously?
in signs you tried to tell us that the proof of god lies only in the shallowest of coincidences, in the village, that the only ego greater than a handful of brilliant academicians determined to create the world anew was yours. in lady in the water, I don't even know what you were trying to show us, but you did it in the most grating and offensively stereotyped ways possible.
today, I gave you one last chance and watched unbreakable, again starring bruce willis and samuel l. jackson. I don't know how you do it--what sort of directorial magic do you pull to turn strong actors into wooden-tongued caricatures?
this is your last chance. I'm 52 minutes into the happening now. mark wahlberg is apologizing to a plant, in order to stave off world annihilation. I know it's not going to get any better. but please, does it have to get worse?
I swear it, I won't be watching another of your films ever again. at least, not until the next one comes out.
I respect, more than respect, the fact that the sixth sense was a modern masterpiece of storytelling.
but seriously?in signs you tried to tell us that the proof of god lies only in the shallowest of coincidences, in the village, that the only ego greater than a handful of brilliant academicians determined to create the world anew was yours. in lady in the water, I don't even know what you were trying to show us, but you did it in the most grating and offensively stereotyped ways possible.
today, I gave you one last chance and watched unbreakable, again starring bruce willis and samuel l. jackson. I don't know how you do it--what sort of directorial magic do you pull to turn strong actors into wooden-tongued caricatures?
this is your last chance. I'm 52 minutes into the happening now. mark wahlberg is apologizing to a plant, in order to stave off world annihilation. I know it's not going to get any better. but please, does it have to get worse?
I swear it, I won't be watching another of your films ever again. at least, not until the next one comes out.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
