spoiler alert

I saw The Orphan this weekend, and I need to talk to you about it.

Now, I'm going to talk about what happens in the film, so if you can't handle the truth, I'd advise you to look away now. Yes, spoilers will be given. But don't worry, I won't ruin the film for you. Mr. Collet-Serra already did that.

So, let's talk about what makes this one of the most preposterous sequence of events shown in cinema ever. I'm just going to give you a synopsis of the plot movements:

1. Mom had a stillbirth a couple of years ago, fell into a deep depression-fueled alcoholism, almost lost her toddler daughter because of an alcoholic bender, did lose her job, almost lost her husband, but pulled herself together and hasn't had a drink in a year.

2. Barely a year sober, and with the discovery of her husband's adultery still a fresh emotional wound, Mom decides adopting a child is what she needs to fill the void left by the stillbirth, which is memorialized in a huge rosebush and plaque in the backyard.

3. Mom and Dad go to an orphanage, look around at all the kids, and settle on the one child who is not attending the party and who is not liked by the others, assuring her that "it's okay to be different."

4. Three weeks later, they have an 9-year old daughter to add to their other two children--yes, they also have a 5ish-year old girl and an 11ish-year old boy, who is very clear that he is unhappy about this sudden new addition to his already unstable family.

5. Need I mention that the adopted orphan has a subtle russian accent that steadily grows stronger, throws a fit if someone asks her to remove the wide velvet ribbons she wears on her neck and wrists, only wears old-fashioned taffeta party dresses, has a leather-bound bible filled with pictures of middle-aged men, and spends much of her time painting lovely pictures of houses and scenes that glow with demons and torture under a blacklight?

6. Mom thinks there's something wrong with her, especially as kids who cross her have a way of winding up with broken bones, but Dad chooses to side with the adopted girl they know nothing about. The kids aren't too fond of her, but are afraid to speak up, especially as she threatens to kill one of them and castrate the other.

7. Anyways, she smashes a bird, bludgeons a nun, chops up the memorial rosebush the Mom is obsessed with, breaks her own arm with a vise and blames the mom, sets fire to the treehouse with the boy in it forcing him into a coma, and then unplugs his respirator and smothers him with a pillow.

8. You'd think someone would catch on at this point, but they're all against Mom now, even her therapist, who wants her to go into rehab and out of the house. She refuses but ends up sedated in the hospital while Dad takes the two girls home and starts to drink.

9. You'd think he was the alcoholic because while he's drinking himself into oblivion, Orphan cuts up one of Mom's dresses, paints herself up like a hooker and then offers herself up to "John", previously known as Dad.

10. Dad pushes 9-year old off, saying "you're just a little girl", which sets of crazy-sparks in the Orphans eyes, and she spends a long time staring into the mirror with crazy eyes. The kind rimmed with melting eyeliner and mascara.

11. Meanwhile, Mom in the hospital receives a phone call from the Estonian "orphanage" that is revealed to be a MENTAL INSTITUTION, not an orphanage, and for God's sake, if the Orphan is in the house, get out now because she is dangerous! Not just kind of dangerous, but really dangerous because she's not a 9-year old girl, she is a 33-year old woman with a hormone deficiency and psychopathic tendencies, preying on the fathers of families she is adopted into and then killing everyone in the house when she is rejected.

12. Mom tears out of the hospital bed and into a car speeding as fast as she can on icy roads in pitch black with a phone she keeps dropping as she tries to call the house repeatedly where the husband she is trying to reach is being stabbed a million times by the Orphan who then grabs the revolver and goes after the Daughter.

13. Mom arrives just in time to rescue Daughter, getting shot a couple of times in the arm, but ultimately dodging the rest of the 8 bullets that came out of the gun.

14. The fight ends up on the frozen lake outside their house where one of the bullets creates a hole into which both Mom and Orphan fall.

15. After a fierce struggle, Mom climbs out.

16. Just as she's almost safe, a thin white Russian orphan arm shoots out of the hole in the ice and grabs Mom's leg.

17. Mom looks back and sees the Orphan's sad eyes, crying as she begs, "Mommy, please don't let me die!"

18. To which Mom replies, "I'm not your fucking Mommy!" and kicks the Orphan in the face.



I just wanted to get it out of my system. Thanks for listening.