awake

I've had this dream every night I've slept since last friday:

it's pitch black and I'm opening my eyes, and I'm feeling really dizzy. I realize I'm outside, but I don't know why I'm there. it's dark, but not dark like night. dark like absence. there isn't a single sound and I feel like my ears don't exist anymore. I feel myself tilting around, but I either don't have arms or can't move them to help me balance. I'm just rooted to something by feet I can't feel and may not exist, swaying. nothing feels right.

I'm on the edge of something, something really, really tall. I can feel it in my body even if I can't see it or hear it. it makes me dizzier and I feel confused, out of control.

I feel my stomach heave into my chest, and I'm falling. everything has given way under me, and in the pitch blackness I can feel everything I've ever known rushing past my face. I strain to see, but I don't know if my eyes are closed or maybe that I don't have eyes anymore.

the bottom is approaching, and I can anticipate the hardness of it, and how fast I'm falling. it's a feeling of terror I can't even give thought to. and as everything in me turns completely out, I wake up, shivering in a cold sweat and lurching over to throw up.

it's to keep this dream away that I try and keep myself from falling asleep. 4:01 now, not too long before I can get up again.