I was listening to last week's This American Life, in which they sat in an editorial session at The Onion, reviewing potential headlines for the week. In tribute, I offer the events of the morning as I walked to the library, in headline form:
Man sobs into Dunkin’ Donuts Strawberry Fruit Coolatta
Wharton senior swears to make a difference as he accepts offer with Bear Stearns
Area boy swears he’ll call later. Definitely tomorrow if not today.
Area girl mentally crosses area boy off list while nodding.
Man incorrectly assumes no one can see him dig underwear out of ass
Local couple loudly bare humiliations of night before on sidewalk
Young man trades in soul for decent GPA
Woman surreptitiously sniffs fingers on left hand as she enters library
Café out of coffee, tea. Offers warm Diet Pepsi.
Library mistaken for local pickup joint as “accidental” foot-rubbing commences
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