JP McLennon & Alice go to town

Act 1:
JP: So, ah, I saw some boobs the other day.
Me: O, really? Sounds like fun.
JP: I didn't even have to work. I just got them. Like a present at the end of a long day.
Me: Well, happy birfday to you, JP.
JP: Yeah, it was great.
Me: So, then what'd you do?
JP: What do you mean? I looked at them.
Me: Well, I'm presuming they were with someone, and that someone probably wanted something more than for you to just look at them.
JP: I dunno. What was I supposed to do, take them out? I mean, they were already out.


Act 2:
Alice: So, I gotta tell you what happened the other day.
JP: God, you're going to actually tell that story?
Alice: Yeah, well, it has to be told. It's fermenting inside me like cheap wine.
JP: That's because you're drinking cheap wine.
Alice:So, anyways. The other night, I'm out with Doleman, and as we're going into a club, I end up chatting up these two hot chicks, who were not all that hot, but were drunk as hell and from Toronto.
Me: So basically, you end up chatting drunk tourists?
Alice: Yeah, anyways. So, I convince them to skip out on the club and hang out with me at a bar.
Me: What about Doleman?
Alice: Who? Are you going to let me tell this story or what?
Me: ...
Alice: So anyways, we end up at [Dive Bar], and I'm sitting there with a pair of hot, trashed girls from Toronto in my arms. And of course I excuse myself to put out the JP-signal.
JP: I just want to point out that it was a Wednesday night, and 12:30.
Alice: Yeah, totally. And of course McLennon doesn't want to come out.
JP: But I did. I want to point that out. 12:30 on a school night. And I'm getting dressed and heading uptown.
Alice: Boo hoo hoo. So, of course it takes McLennon forever to get out there.
JP: And by the time I do...
Alice: Yeah, so by the time he does, we're totally trashed, and ready to take it onto the dancefloor.
JP: I knew I shoulda stayed home. But I want to point out what a good friend I am. And that I went out onto the dancefloor. Sober.
Alice: (turns to JP) Seriously, man. I owe you for that.
JP: Not as much as what you owe me for what happened next.
Me: Why? What happened next?
Alice: So, there we are, the only people on this dance floor in the middle of this bar, on a Wednesday night, with a couple of trashed Torontonians.
JP: So, nothing new, is what he means.
Alice: And we're squeezing in, and I'm reaching out, just enough to show interest. And then, bingo. She takes my hand.
Me: So, you're on the dancefloor holding ha--
Alice: Wait. I'm not finished. All of the sudden, after we've been holding hands and dancing, the girls move off. As in, off the dancefloor.
Me: Okay, so? Did you follow them?
Alice: Um, no. Because JP and I were STILL ON THE DANCEFLOOR, HOLDING HANDS.
Me: And all that time, neither of you wondered that the girl's hand you were holding wasn't weirdly big and hairy?
Alice: ...
JP: We have pretty girly hands.
Alice: Actually, JP, you've got pretty soft hands.
JP: Nivea. And not so bad yourself, Alice.
Me: Ahem.
JP: Wanna hear the post-script? So, Alice go upstairs to clean himself off before throwing up the white flag, and guess who he sees? Yep, the Canadians, literally making the rounds. One lap after another.
Alice: Can you believe it? I mean, wtf. We were with them all night!
Me: Um, it was probably the holding hands with each other that tipped them off...

JP (turning to me): This better not go in your blog.


Act 3:
Transcription of IMs from Alice throughout the day:

(11:01:43) Hey, I'm going out with this chick today. It'll be great.
(11:01:43) She's hot!
(11:02:21) Yeah, we're meeting up around 6:30 for an early
(11:02:21) dinner. Can't wait. I'm wearing date clothes. Did I
(11:02:21) tell you she's hot?
(12:52:35) I should get something for lunch. But I don't want to
(12:52:35) bloat myself out before this date. She's really hot.
(2:13:27) We've been IMing a bit. She's hot and seems cool.
(4:59:02) I'm starting to fade a bit. I'm going to grab a coffee so
(4:59:02) I don't fall over during the date. It would suck to nod
(4:59:02) off during a hot date.
(5:11:32) WTF! She just txted me to say she can't make it!
(5:11:32) Some work thing. This sucks!
(5:13:53) You're right. So I'm going to text her and ask if she can
(5:13:53) do later. I mean, how late can work go?
(5:25:18) I haven't heard back from her. What's the deal?
(5:49:01) I still haven't heard from her, but I just left a
(5:49:01) phone message.
(6:11:44) Whatever.
(6:34:01) Yeah, I'm going out with JP for drinks. Later.